A brief foreword
I wrote this book for a number of reasons.
Firstly, I needed to write it. I had been writing bits and pieces of it for years, in journals and other writings. It was an unfinished thing inside me and I needed to get it out, to use the writing process to understand what I had been through so I could move on with my life.
Secondly, I hope that writing about my experiences may be of some use to others, particularly to people who are suffering from the debilitating effects of depression, the people they live with, and therapists, councillors and psychologists trying to understand how it feels to be afflicted with a debilitating mental illness. My recovery and healing were so painfully slow because I had little idea what was going on and why. I was lucky to survive.
I have always been interested in consciousness, and I have been studying, in my tiny personal laboratory, my own mind from the inside, and the mysterious manifestations of creativity. From a very young age, I was curious about drugs, and what would happen to my mind under their influence, and I experimented widely. As I got older, this curiosity resolved into delving deeply and persistantly into different meditation practises; finding a place to stand to watch the workings of the mind; being the watcher, mindfulness, witnessing.
I also hope to communicate that the process of healing has been immensely valuable and life-transforming. Living with depression has challenged me to grow, to face my fears, to learn new skills and develop discipline, not an irrevocable sentence to a life of misery.
Dinesh Moylan 2015