A one man show written and performed by Dinesh Moylan
A mental health episode or diagnosis doesn’t have to be a life sentence, it can be the first paragraph of a new story, the journey towards healing, self-discovery and meaning.
Under The Bonnet is partly a survivor’s story. I began writing to try and make some sense of my life, and the challenges I faced as an adolescent and young adult. I also wanted to pass on what I have learned.
As I wrote I also researched, read and listened. Were my episodes of depression and anxiety caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain, a lack of serotonin? Should I just take a pill every day for the rest of my life, as one doctor prescribed?
By then I had come a long way on my own to understanding the damage, and worked hard to develop strategies when my mind was anxious, self-critical, lonely or sad. When life was going well I wanted to know that I had brought this about using the knowledge and skills I had learned, plus some hard work, not because some anti-depressant medication was temporarily adjusting a deficiency in my brain chemistry.
I was also sick of the stigma around mental health, and feeling guilty, that I had failed or was somehow weak or lacking something that ‘normal’ people had or did. I had to learn to accept and forgive myself my imperfections, faults and inevitable mistakes and see that I had survived very difficult circumstances.
The long and difficult work I had taken on to assemble a coherent story of my life was valuable, and while no instant fix, was bearing results. The meditation practise I had begun through desperation had slowly developed into a very valuable and powerful tool, not only as a last resort in difficult times, but as a daily practise, becoming a little luxury of quiet nourishing me-time, setting me up for a relaxed, focused, productive day whatever that may bring.
I discovered inside me a calm wise voice that gave me really valuable, timely advice if I listened. Writing prose and songs gave a vehicle to what I call my inner wisdom, that in times of real crisis has literally manifested as a voice in my head with very terse simple, abrupt instructions: “Get up!” “Breathe!” “Look deeper!”
There is increasing evidence that the medical model of mental illness, with symptoms, diagnoses, and medications, is not working for many people. I knew people who had struggled with depression for many years while taking anti-depressant medications, and they were not doing well, they hated the medications and the associated side-effects, but were too afraid to try and come off them.
During the second half of the show, I discuss some of the strategies I have developed and learned. Some of these, like making a regular space for meditation every morning where possible, I use nearly every day without being too rigid about it. I have learned other physical skills to wrench my mind out of fearful anxious repetitive thinking. Sometimes just jumping on my bike and going for a ride, walking on uneven ground, or surfing or snorkelling in the ocean can change my headspace. The body’s wisdom recognises the physical danger and drags the mind back to the present.
Another great ally and source of joy is the natural world of ocean, river and forest; getting outside in the sun and taking the time to appreciate the beautiful world around us.
